Depressed, social anxiety disorder, embarrassed, and a very bleak future.?

I need big help. I've been depressed as far as I know (Since I was 13, when I moved to another school). Now I'm a 17 year old guy (yes, GUY), recently moved to Canada (In December). My depressions are quite often, and mostly during school days. Sometimes it goes away for a few days, in which I experience a very strange happy mood. Then later it goes down to depression ranging from mild to severe, resulting in me whispering to myself, being paranoid, questioning people's actions towards me (in my mind), and constantly asking my sister if my hair is okay (yes, stupid). I have reached many points in where I cry.. very embarrassing. =/

Today I couldn't get something out of my mind. School started and already I'm feeling awkward in the first few weeks. One thing I didn't mention is that I'm not myself with people I'm not really that close to (Like with my cousins I'm myself but with peeps in school I act weird, tell lame jokes and act nerdy in a physical way). I'm about 80% sure I have social anxiety disorder. So.. I noticed my friends today and the past few days (or.. my sister's friends. I'm in denial mode) making fun of me indirectly. They would act in a way that reminds me of how I joke around. Then they would whisper, look at me, and giggle. When I ask why, they say nothing. (this doesn't count for the next thing I'm going to say because I'm 100% sure they're making fun of me)

I've been like this for years, I look at people around me everywhere, and I wonder why they keep staring at me. When someone laughs I immediately get the thought that it's me who's being laughed at. Not only that but I feel life has been really hard for me. I feel I have no future, no idea what I'm going to be. I'm either too scared or too embarrassed by the fact a job I can land in could be uncommon or make me unhappy. (I'm thinking of film editor or something to do with gaming) I tend to look at what others are doing and I follow.
Deciding things is getting harder for me too. From simple things like how to eat my breakfast to what college or university to take. I feel life is going on and on with no meaning.

Many times I've thought of suicide. I just can't take it anymore. I know my life is better than half of the people in the world and my problems are nothing compared to others but I can't help it. My mind, or my emotions take over me, anyways who's choice is it to be depressed? I never wanted this, it just comes and you can't prevent it easily or anything. I've told my mom once when she was in another country, a few months before, that I was depressed and I needed help. She did want to help but she never quite took it seriously. I have a feeling she thinks I'm only acting out and it'll go away soon. So yes, her promise of a psychiatrist/psychologist is gone. I always though of my phase as 'emo teen mode' but I'm almost an adult and I'm still depressed. I couldn't help but think I'm really messed up.

To summarize, I think everyone is against me or bullying me (not necessarily but when it's at that moment I do think so), I think of everything I do embarrassing. I replay the scene in my mind, and start getting anxious when I noticed how stupid I was. I'm depressed, (probably will go away a few days, but will surely come back) and I don't think I have a future.

Advice? Like, what can I do for tomorrow? I feel too embarrassed after what happened. And I want help without telling my parents (again).. I also hear you can ask your school counselor, but that would be so embarrassing. What if he tells his friends, then his friends tell others and it will spread?

You should get help. Seek out the school counselor. Their job restrictions will keep them from sharing your information, so don't worry about it being spread. You shouldn't be embarrassed. That's what the counselor is there for. There is no reason to be ashamed of how you feel. We've all felt insecure before. Almost everyone I know has been laughed at and done stupid things. It's what makes people likable. And it's part of life as we are only human. Please try not to take yourself so seriously. If someone doesn't like you, or if someone laughs at you, so what. You have value, and life is short. Try to enjoy it. The more you accept yourself, faults and all, the happier and more content you will be. All of us, including the most popular, have faults, act dumb and get laughed at. Someone will always be talking about us too. The less you worry about it, the less others will. Be yourself and who God made you to be, because that is good. Remember, no one is better than you,or worse, no matter how things may appear now. I wish you all the best. You have a great future ahead of you, make the most of the special and wonderful person you are, and please talk to a counselor.

i have the same problem, but your alot yonger....i bet your very attractive thats why theyre staring........i think you have low self esteem like me.....and put your self down alot, i also think your overanalyzing everything....im slowly learning not to worrying/think about anything thats not important, long its not life/death who cares, so what if i trip, spit come out my mouth, i stutter, etc its a mistake and in life its gonna happen!!! so stop worrying itll actually make any situation worser!! just b u if they dont like it or you dont like how they make u feel, stay from them, but i think your just imagining these negative things..... good luck 2 u and ME!

View the information and weblinks for social anxiety/shyness, and self confidence, in sections 9, (see the comprehensive post first) and 38, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris and see pages R , V, young women's depression, & teen depression, in section 2, and bullying is addressed in section 37. Learning to be more assertive is shown in one of the websites in section 38.

Counsellors keep secrets, because they know that if they don't, word will spread, and no-one will tell them anything! OR, try online: http://www.psychology.com & http://www.onestepatatime.com & http://www.kasamba.com & http://www.onlinecounselingtherapy.com &
http://www.counselingservicesonline.org &
http://www.onlinecounseling.co.za OR, print this, and ensure your mother gets it, and themessage that you really are struggling: suicidal thoughts: section 5; contact the hotlines when needed.

Aptitude tests, vocational guidance, and career counselling will help ensure you are suited to your employment, and most people change theirs, these days.

I have depression too and i know exactly how you feel. Yes its possible for a depressed person to feel suicidal, but you must, should, and need to get help. I know how hard it is, but your parents love you and they will support you. Ask to see a therapist, it really helps talking to someone you can trust, believe me and no rumors won't spread because therapists have signed some sort of contract that applies to confidentiality. Good luck and feel better :)