If your son or daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer and you are retired would you stay or go?

away from the area she lives in to another part of the country? Usually my in-laws leave for Arizona in Septermber but this year they stayed in the area because my wife's diagosis of breast cancer. They left in November.

Her aunt and uncle left too for Texas, and only her brother remained in the area but he works full time. It was easier for me when my in-laws were around because my wife would talk with her mom and dad. They would come by and keep her company and they would go out to breakfast together.

I felt ok to go to work and then they would leave when I got off work or stick around and we would talk together. I know they are retired and earned their right to travel. But I felt deserted when they left, I felt a huge burden upon my shoulders. Nobody would be there for my wife to take her to the hospital if she needed to go. She never did but the thought of her being alone scared me.

They left after my wife had her mastectomy and her mom helped empty her drain. When the left she started 12 weeks of Taxol and I did not know how those treatments would go for her, I was scared and feared the worse.

My wife now is on her last week of radiaiton. It is hell for her. She is taking two Percocet for pain (when she had her mastectomy she only took one and she hates to take pain pills). Yesterday she told me she wishes her mom was here. I told her they will be here in about a month. They don't call to see how she is doing. I feel like they don't care. If it were my child I would not leave the area until the doctors said she was through it. Am I wrong to feel like she has been abandoned?

It hurt me a lot to hear her say she wishes her mom was here because she is not and there is nothing I could do to make her be here. I have felt like calling them and asking them to hurry home their daughter needs them, but I am afraid to.

What would you do?

The first thing that stands out in your question is "It was easier for me when my in-laws were around....". You are her husband and should be taking in active role as her support during this time. Perhaps it's you that's not up to the challenge of taking care of your wife. There are two sides to the story, and I'll bet you didn't tell the whole story; it doesn't sound right. You can call her mom and tell her what your wife said, but you can also step up to your responsibilities.

Of course it was easier for me when they were around. I would go to work 60+ hours a week and know they would be only a few miles away from her. They would take her out for breakfast every morning (so I knew she was eating right), they would take her out shopping (get mom a dress), keeping her bus Report Abuse

We can all tell how much you care from you Q&A's :)
I think everyone deserves a break. Here's hoping when her parents come back they're refreshed and ready to give you a break!

Do you have other friends/family that can help out? Or could you hire a nurse to give you some kind of break? Report Abuse

I took care of my first husband through his cancer and it is a tough go.I understand how you feel. I also had breast cancer myself and it was not fun. My husband was supportive like you and it means a lot to me. He can not cook much but he knew his way to the restaurant when I was not able to cook. Report Abuse

Thanks everyone!
Radiation is harder than I imagined it would be. She is having a hard time towards the end. Her mom would not make it in time before her treatment would be finished, so I will take care of her. It is just so hard to see her crying because it hurts so much. It is almost finished. Report Abuse

it DOES hurt but she shouldn't have to suffer unecessarily, see if you can get her pain under better control? Report Abuse

Again, the red flag in your question when you said it was easier for you. Thus, your question made it sound like you don't do much. I know how difficult it can be. I too took care of someone with cancer (my dad) from diagnosis to his death, with little help from others. Take care. Report Abuse

You should not hesitate to call the in laws and express your concern. Besides, there is somthing about having the support of family that makes going through cancer not as depressing. Good luck!

I don't want to say that your in-laws are being selfish because I don't know the whole story...but I will say that if it were me I would call them and tell them their daughter needs them....

I don' think there's anything wrong with being honest with her parents. I'm sure they were emotionally exhausted by the experience of seeing their daughter in such dire straits,and really needed the break; but I can't imagine they wouldn't want to know that their little girl need them. Even if it's too difficult or too expensive ot come back now, a good heart to heart over the phone between mother and daughter would help. Imagine yourself in their shoes: wouldn't you want to know if your child had an urgent need you could answer? MAKE THE CALL. Bless you all.

Make the call Dave. Let her parents know she wishes they were with her. It's the truth and they need to hear it. I see nothing wrong with her needing her parents near. My God, if my parents were alive, they would make every effort to be near me while I was having so much trouble with my treatments. When my brothers found out, they hooked up in Philly and flew to Texas to cheer me on. Go ahead and make the call. Have her parents explain they just needed a little break and they'll be back soon. My daughter is 35 with two kids of her own but she'll never, ever stop being my "little baby" and God forbid she ever gets cancer but if she ever gets ill with anything that serious, it'll take an awful lot to keep me away.

A simple call (NOT accusing, just informative) to her folks to tell them that their daughter is feeling low and could use her mom's company might be enough. They may have felt that she was well cared for and also might have been afraid to call and find out more bad news. Give them the benefit of the doubt for your wife's sake. Suggest to them that it would mean a lot to your wife if they could come home early - it's worth a shot. If they can come early, wonderful. If they can't alter their schedule, be understanding and let it be. This isn't the time to ruffle everyone's feathers - your wife needs love and support, not arguing.

I would have stayed, but I do feel like your in-laws had every right to go. You are all grown adults. That said, no, you are not wrong to feel abandoned - your support group has left. Do you have other friends and family that can help? One way to look at the situation is that your in-laws feel you are totally in control of the situation, and they trust you completely. You have done a great job so far and I'm sure you will continue to do so.

Could your wife call her parents? It seems like there isn't enough talking going on between them.

The situation is difficult though. My aunt wanted to cancel her holiday to stay with me, but I told her to go. Her life shouldn't revolve around me. I wish she'd stayed at the time, but she deserved the break!

I would stay right by my childs side, no matter how old they are your children & especially as a mother that is your God given intuition to be there next to your child when they need you ! Her mother should be ashamed of herself, I would make that call....What do you have to lose?? Mabey you will shed some light to how disheartening this really is !

I have breast cancer and I to am going trough all of this my mom is not with us any more and I miss her but I have a great husband he takes me for treatments if I am not doing good that day but I mostly take my self I had to go for radiation twice a day but I drove my self 20 min each way 2 times a day it is a real hard thing to go through and we all need SUPPORT and there are some great SUPPORT groups out there for breast cancer I went it did me good to meet other woman with the same feelings as me attitude is half the battle you should call her mom and let her know how her daughter feels and ask them to be there when the chemo starts I have 3 more months of chemo to go through my daughter helps me all she can tell your wife I said good luck and to just hang in there it will get better I know it will

I guess everyone deals with cancer differently. When I was diagnosed 5 years ago I was able to cope with the surgery, chemo and radiation pretty much by myself. My husband went with me to my first chemo treatment but I drove myself to the subsequent visits as well as all my radiation treatments I had also returned to work before I started radiation. My family is quite large and most of them live very close by but I didn't want to burden my mom by being too needy. One of my sisters, who is 18 months younger than me was diagnosed with breast cancer 14 years ago. She was a great support even though she wasn't sitting with me every day. My sister in law was also diagnosed with breast cancer when I was completing chemo. She is an RN and my brother, Dave, an Operating Room Technician and I know that he went through a lot emotionally.

I guess my husband is a little more stoic. He did say after I completed treatment and was feeling better that he missed my compansionship doing our Saturday errands/dates.

When I was doing chemo, my youngest sister was struggling with coping with premie twins and I would go over to help when I could. Sometimes looking out for others helps us realize that our situation isn't always so bad.

Yes I think you are wrong to think she has been abandoned. She might feel awful, but she isn't dying and there is nothing they can do to make her feel less awful. Sounds harsh, but that's the way it is. If she is in the last week of radiation, she is on the home stretch - tired out, depressed, a little scared about the end of active treatment and maybe wishing for mommy is just a sign of exhaustion with coping.

This is a different trip for everyone, some bounce back and others need a longer time. But your wife should be about to get back to most of her former life. Radiation should not be this painful - has she talked to her radiation onc about this?

Your wife could call her parents, they might be reluctant to call her in case she is resting. I think if she wants her parents there, she should ask them. You are a very caring husband. You should think about helping your wife view herself as a healthy woman again. It's a good time of year for that.

To answer your question: having been through 3 rounds of breast cancer, I'd be there for the tough times (waiting for diagnosis and post surgery) but no I wouldn't be there all the time if one of my kids got it. I'd trust them to call if they really needed me. But everyone has their own approach.

Dave, I suppose I would call them, but then again her parents probably have good reason for leaving for awhile.Follow your better judgement.
It wouldn't hurt to call them to see if they are ok, ya think?
Bubbles

I am 55 years old had a mastectomy in Feb last year and February the year before that. My parents are very active and happy people and live in another state.
I never told them I had these surgeries and that I was going through chemotherapy, taxol, loosing my strength and hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and still having to work at the hospital emergency room in order to keep my insurance.
Radiation for six weeks I had to leave after work and go thirty miles a day for treatments, sick or not, I had to keep my job to keep my insurance.
People in treatment for cancer can make up their minds to help themselves if they have to believe me.
Her parents might not call her, but she can pick up the phone and call them if she wants to, it is no big deal.

I would have hurt feelings too. God bless your wife! I am glad you were there for her because it sounds like she does NOT have much of a family. I am with you. I would be there for my daughter or son NO MATTER WHAT!!!

You've got to call her mother and tell her what your wife said, and what she's going through. I don't know the whole story either, but to leave your own child in that condition, I can't understand. Your wife takes precedence over everything else right now. She needs her folks and they should by God be there for her. But even your feelings about that take a back seat to helping your mate...There will be plenty of time for resentment and reappraisal once your wife is healed.. That's my reaction anyway. I'm sure everyone who reads your message sends you and she their very best, as do I.....