Elderly Parent(s) and Imbalance in Caregiving?

The responsibility of elder care often falls on those who are in the closest location to their parents. This can lead to resentment that others are not pulling their weight. Care for seniors can be a full time occupation. This can lead to anger and frustration and depression. My sister lives 1500 miles away. She was not there when I assisted my mother daily until her death, and now when I am helping my father who is doing fairly well. She calls him once every two weeks. He calls me twice daily. She e-mails me or calls whenever she has a personal problem. Otherwise, she isn't in contact. She also has a narcissist personality. I find myself increasingly angered by her lack of caring and apparent self-absorbed manner. I have asked her repeatedly to show more support but she conveniently forgets or says she is so busy with her family and job. Suggestions are appreciated.

The responsibility of elder care often falls on those who are in the closest location to their parents. This can lead to resentment that others are not pulling their weight. Care for seniors can be a full time occupation. This can lead to anger and frustration and depression. My sister lives 1500 miles away. She was not there when I assisted my mother daily until her death, and now when I am helping my father who is doing fairly well. She calls him once every two weeks. He calls me twice daily. She e-mails me or calls whenever she has a personal problem. Otherwise, she isn't in contact. She also has a narcissist personality. I find myself increasingly angered by her lack of caring and apparent self-absorbed manner. I have asked her repeatedly to show more support but she conveniently forgets or says she is so busy with her family and job. Incidentally, my parents were always there for her and always good to her. Suggestions are appreciated.

Since she lives 1500 miles away, she should send money for the care of your father. At least it would provide you with the funds to hire help, and the opportunity to take a much needed break once in awhile.

She is their daughter, just like you are. She should take responsibility, also.

My mother was the youngest of her family, so she ended up doing so much for my grandparents. My aunts and uncles would visit occasionally, but it was my mom and dad who did all the painting, wallpapering, gardening, other chores, driving my grandmother around so she could pay her bills, etc. It was completely unfair.

Just as is your situation.

Call your sister, have a talk with her. Tell her she needs to help. Tell her the next vacation she takes should be to come into town and take care of your dad, so you can have a rest.

Thoughtless siblings all need a good swift kick in the rear.

There may be a reason why your sister does not care about your parents. Were they bad people/parents? If not, then ask her to help financially or to help find government help, so that you can hire a caregiver (even if it is part time). Caregiving is exhausting and you need help caring for elderly parent(s) by having someone else do it especially during busy/stressful times in your life. If she fails to help care for your good parents, then it may be time to cut off ties from her.

Maybe it's not that she is ignoring them as much as it really upsets her to see them getting old. Some people just can't deal with that. It makes them realize their time is getting nearer. You might tell her that if she helps with dad, that maybe someone will help her when she is old. It's like putting money in savings.

Your sister lives 1500 miles away? What exactly do you expect her to do? Drive over every day to help you?

Believe my I know about elder care. I was designated legal guardian of my father, a WWII veteran by the United States Department of Veteran Affairs.

He was totally paralyzed and incontinent, even putting 3 large adult diapers on him every night, his bed was still soaked with urine every morning. We had to carry him to his wheelchair, feed, bathe and listen to his angry raving for 3 years.

I have no brothers of sisters to help. I am the only child.

So exactly what do you expect of your sister?

I feel that due to the distance she is not in a position to be able to do very much. Is there some small way in which maybe she could help you financially? Even having a caregiver come in once a week may help you.

You may ask her to get a Voip telephone to eliminate long distance phone charges and ask her to call your father 2, 3 or more times a week. Then, if financial help would benefit you, ask her. She can get a Voip telephone number with the same area code as your father, then your father can call her free of long distance.

Voip, Voice Over Internet Protocol. I have mine at Yahoo, using Yahoo Messenger service. It only costs $26.00 A YEAR, not a month. All inbound calls are free to you, and outbound is 1 cent per minute anywhere in the U.S.

I do not know what more to offer you. But, in my opinion, maybe you are expecting too much. At the distance she lives, what can she do?

If you will tell us, more specific, what do you really want, expect her to do to help. Then lets go to work on addressing those specific issues.

Right off I want to say you are doing a good thing.

Elder care is rough on adult children, many even consider talking to a therapist about it.

I think if a sibling decides to live far from an elderly parent and in addition does not contribute to their care, to me that is an obvious statement that the sibling does not consider him/herself responsible for the care of the parent(s).

At the very least the sibling should contribute money if not time for the care.

In my situation my sibling wants to control everything and deligate things for me to do. I avoid talking to her because when we discuss our parents care we have horrible, horrible, horrible arguements.

She is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. To cope I allow her to take over and I just stay away.

I hope your relationship with your sibling is less dysfunctional.

I have young children and a family to care for, and a job, so after these arguements I don't feel well, and it is affecting my health.

The immenent death of parents causes some children to flip out I think. I will never give up my place which is by my siblings side not under her feet.

The biggest eye opener is that elderly parents are self-absorbed and no one is concerned about my well-being in all of this. So I hope you take care of yourself.

I hope you can discuss your feelings with your sister and reach a peaceful understanding in the future.