Please explain if you know ... is it depression ??

My partner of 9yrs & I just split up. I am devastated. Its been a hard relationship due to partners mood swings, occassional bouts of depression, silence & sometimes long distance because of my family in another country.

Anyway, he says he doesnt know why - but he has loved me on & off many times. Yet when its on its been really strong connection between us. When off - I find its triggered when I leave him to go visit my family or work projects etc, or when he's just come out of depression - it makes him cold & empty of feelings, or when we have had a fight - he shuts down & retreats & wont deal with it & help us to just move forward ...

I feel so confused about this ... what has happened?! He is behaving so irrational & cruel lately ... been flirting with other girls & blames me for it cos I was away study which we agreed upon. He breaksup says he feels nothing but now is very sexually provocative on webcam with me & wants me in this way only. He behaviour - what is it?

His mother died out of the blue when he was a teenager & his father has never been in his life ... he used to say people always leave him. But he pushes me away & I try to keep us close - he thinks its me who pushes him away.

His depression when I lived with him - sometimes he would sleep most of the day - sometimes this would happen for a week then it would pass.

I learnt to just accept this is how it is for him & just make the most of it when its good & give him space when he needs it. Now he's blaming me for everything. I tried & dont know how or what to do. He's destroying everything we achieved & wont take any responsibility for any of it. The man I loved is changing so much ... Any ideas whats going on here with him?

I disagree with the others, and think it more likely to be Borderline Personality Disorder, which is addressed in section 15 of my website, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris but check it out, and see what you think.

Quite frankly, love, you should simply end the relationship. Obviously it's not going anywhere. You must think of yourself. Suggest to him, though, that he should visit a good psyche doctor for an evaluation. If he loves you, he'll do just that. If not.....

Mike

If you have been together for nine years then you have no doubt been through good and bad times. I think you should talk to him and if you worry that he might get offended or react negatively if you mention that he may need some help, suggest couples counselling together and then you might be able to figure out what is underlying his behaviour without telling him there is "something wrong".

To say he has depression or bipolar is not for anybody on here to say, it is best not to give too much weight to these suggestions because the only person who can ell you/him that for sure is a professional.

If you love him and he loves you, you will both find a way to work through things, but it seems you need some professional help to guide you.

Good luck and peace to you :-)

it definately sounds like depression. he needs to see his doctor and also get some counselling about the things that have happened to him in the past. You can't make his depression go away, he needs professional help. Just remember this is not your fault. Living with depression is very hard, and just as hard for the people who live alongside someone who suffers with it. Take care and good luck.

He's depressed, and you're co-dependent, and a possible enabler for his actions. If YOU want to help YOU, there are co-dependency agencies that can help YOU deal with YOUR feelings. You can't help HIM unless (and until) he's ready to help himself. If He's making YOU do things YOU're uncomfortable with, RUN, don't walk, away from this situation and seek QUALIFIED help. I wish you luck in this, and hope you find someone to assist. Thank you for sharing this with us.