Do I have an eating disorder? What should I do?!?

I am getting so sick of this. I get so carried away with food and my weight.. I can't take it anymore! I weight 102-105 pounds and am 5'5". Everyone yells at me all the time for being too skinny. Idk.. I don't feel skinny and I always get mad if I gain or am not losing weight. Sometimes I starve myself. Sometimes I lie to people about what I eat. I throw food away.. I chew and spit food. Sometimes I throw my food up after I eat.. but not very often. Sometimes I take laxatives.. but maybe only once a week at most. I am just so sick of it and I don't know who I can talk to. Do I even have an eating disorder? I am not that skinny am I?

Plus.. I am an athlete (swimmer and ballerina) so I can't really tell people about it.. and it gets complicated because I can't be too skinny or I won't perform well.. which leads to me having to maintain my weight (which I don't often do because I lose weight) which leads to me feeling guilty and miserable.

How can I stop?

I am 19 and a girl by the way.

First things first - Big hug! Everybody needs one! :)

Second - it's not how skinny you are that determines whether or not you have an eating disorder. It's how you eat. If you are taking laxatives for the purpose of losing weight or throwing up your food because you're worried about gaining weight, then yes, you have an eating disorder. You're not eating normally. That's pretty much what 'disorder' means, after all. It doesn't have to mean that you're starving to death, just that something's not right.

(A very large male politician in England is bulimic! Having an eating disorder doesn't always mean you're thin. It usually more means just that you're stressed out.)

Which of course means that if people are yelling at you a lot, they're probably not helping. Stressing you out more and making you think about your weight all the time will add to your problem.

Eating disorders are difficult things to fix, and there's only so much advice we can give to you here. It would probably be a good idea for you to talk to an expert - a nurse or an eating disorder helpline or something - because they can give you a lot more support than we can.