Caregiver stress?

I'm only a granddaughter of my grandmother who lost her husband and she's 79. I don't consider myself a primary caregiver but I feel like I am because I spent the most time with her than anyone else does. My father, her son, should be spending more time with her and helping but because she has depend on me so much, he backed off a lot. It's causing me so much stress and anxiety that I cannot concentate on my schoolwork half the time because all she does is complain when I'm not around, worry about everything (not trusting when my doc said she is doing fine, always think there's something wrong with her heart etc..). She complains all the time about a lot of things, like when I'm not around or going with her to things and I feel she is too emotionally attached to me and I really think she needs to learn to do things on her own, including talk to her doctor but she never would do it. My dad told her to get more antianxiety meds but she never does and.....

she wants me to talk to the doctor for her but legally I can't do that. She has to do the talking but she doesn't like to deal with docs so she doesn't talk at all. All the time she acts like she wants everyone, like myself to do things for her when she is perfectly capable of doing a lot of things. She's in better health than most women and she think she's bad off but her doc don't think so. She never wants to be independent, she wants people to do things for her. She's just like a child. I knew before my grandfather died we should've prepared her for being alone but my father told me not to tell her that he would die so soon but she is completely unprepared and dependent, especially me just because I'm single and have no kids while my siblings have families. I love her but I don't want her to depend on me so much. I went her to start being around other people and stop depending what she does and where she goes all on me. Today she didn't want to go to a birthday party.

I have found myself in a caregiver position also. You can't allow yourself to feel guilt doing things you need to do in your life. (easier said then done, I know.) I personally, go to a counselor to help deal with the stress of it. I think you need to ask your family for help...they are letting you take care of everything it sounds like. If you backed off a little maybe they would step up more. Suggestions: maybe set a schedule of when you are available to her. In between personal visits, call her or send notes in the mail. Maybe find some type of organization or program that is geared towards her age, senior citizen group or something to involve her in activities.

You really do have to take care of yourself above all...if you don't you won't be good for someone else.

You need to understand what she going through. She must be very lonely. You need to ask for help. I don't know what programs you got there but here we have carer support. Which I highly recommend.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like your grandmother is the type of woman who was totally dependent on her husband. He made all the decisions. She just didn't have to think for herself. He was there to do it all for her. Now, that's not to say, she didn't think for herself at times, but for the most part she knew she had the luxury of leaving the thinking to her husband.

I think her husband was very much aware of that, and it's why he didn't want you to tell her that he was going fast. He didn't want to have to deal with her fretting over it.

Now that he's gone, she's replaced him with you. You are the one who will now have to make all the decisions, and also live with her ways (much of which you probably are not familiar with because gramps probably didn't enlighten you).

The beauty of her looking on you for help is that she obviously looks on you as the person who is most like her husband. You have qualities that she can relate to. Qualities that make her feel comfortable.

Unfortunately, you have a life and schooling to be concerned about right now too, so being a full time caregiver and full time student too is just too much.

You need to have an honest talk with yourself. Yes, first you have to have a talk with yourself. Then you need to have a talk with your father. And finally you need to have a talk with her.

Talk With Yourself: You need to decide what you are willing to do, and what you aren't willing to do. Are you willing to give up school temporarily, and provide grandmom with full time care (thereby doing it all yourself)? If not, then how much relief do you need? And what can be done to provide you with that relief?

Talk With Dad: Explain your situation. The extreme stress of jugling grandma's escalating workload and your schoolwork. Then explain how much help you need, and ask whether he can help you obtain it. I'm sure he'll be able to relate to your needs, and be more helpful than you can imagine.

Talk With Grandma: Meet with her with Dad in tow. Explain the situation. Tell her about the options that you and dad have come up with so far, and ask her whether they are acceptable to her. If she doesn't like what she hears, tell her it's OK not to be happy with the current options, and ask her for her suggestions.

Grandma could surprise you with something such as, I'll give the university a check for the entire cost of your college education which is to begin the year of my passing. And for each year in the meantime, I will provide the univerisity with a check to cover any projected increases in the cost of your education. Your commitment would be to care for me full time, and during the performance of those duties, you'd be able to take a course or two each semester provided the course load wasn't such that it caused you stress or impacted your ability to care for me.

If you love your grandma, and I'm sure you do, you'll be able to work something out to everyone's satisfaction. It's just a matter of starting the conversation, and getting your dad involved.

Go for it. The alternative is that you'll burn out and not succeed at anything. Get the ball rolling. Give dad a call, and tell him the two of you need to talk about something very important.